Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Lonely Potter Meets the Lonely Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

I think my reaction to the caller might have shaken her confidence, but she carried on cheerfully explaining how lucky I was, while I responded with single syllable monotone mumbles. Thanks to a survey I didn't remember doing, I had won a choice of a free weekend stay at my choice of over 100 hotels, or (surprise) a set of knives. Their representative, Dave, was available to deliver my prize at 5:30 that day. Didn't that sound wonderful? All she asked was that we give Dave a few minutes of our time to explain the Vortech air cleaning system, so we could tell all our friends and relatives how wonderful it was. I don't like intrusions on my privacy, especially on hot days when I don't feel great and have other things to do. Something told me, however, that Dave was going to be available to deliver the prize for some time to come, so we might as well receive our gift and get it over with.

We got through the day, accomplishing a surprising amount considering the heat, and when we returned from our daily dog walk at 4:00, the lonely potter went off to the studio to trim some pots. This worried me a bit, because I was hoping that we would have supper finished by the time Dave showed up, but I didn't say anything. Pots in need of trimming cannot wait for a more convenient time. Dave would just have to deal with what ever was happening when he arrived.

One of the errands we had run during the day was a trip to the butcher's where I picked up some soup bones as a treat for the dogs. They were frozen and I thought they would help to cool down our hot dogs after the walk. By 4:10 each dog had a bone - Sparky locked in the garage, Buffy alone on the front porch, and Max and Chloe sharing the back deck. Separating the dogs during bone chewing time was the only way to stop Sparky from stealing and burying everyone else's bones. For an hour it was blissfully quiet.

By 5:00 I had the lonely potter's supper ready, and was waiting for him. At 5:10 he came in. "Just enough time", I thought, "to have a quick bite before Dave arrived at 5:30". Of course when the lonely potter came in the house, so did Sparky and Buffy. I checked on Chloe and Max on the back deck and saw that they hadn't just chewed their bones, they had eaten them. Wow. Do not put your hand in the mouth of a hungry Belgian, unless you don't need your fingers. It was still really hot outside, so I took pity on Max and Chloe and let them in the house to continue cooling off  while digesting frozen soup bones.

Dave was early. Our door bell does not work, has never worked as far as I know, but with Sparky around we don't really need a door bell. The lonely potter and I are stone deaf compared to Sparky, who can hear a car turning into the driveway if he is in the farthest corner of the house and the radio, t.v. and stereo are all turned on full blast. He expresses his joy at having a visitor by wildly barking and jumping at the door. Soon Buffy joins in with her sharp, worried sounding, scary bark, while peering at the door from a safe distance. Then the two Belgians begin excitedly milling around the doorway, silent but big, with huge mouths open and  panting. This is what greeted Dave when he came to the door.

Credit to Dave that he didn't run back to his vehicle and drive off right then. Of course he was burdened  with his vacuum cleaner and very large satchel, so a hasty retreat would have been at least undignified, at worst impossible. I did what I could to salvage the situation. Sparky was outside happily peeing on Dave's tires. Buffy had retreated to the safety of the bedroom. I cornered Chloe and shooed her onto the deck, and Max had vanished. Oh well, I would put him out when he showed up again. I put my supper aside, and sat down in the living room with Dave, while the lonely potter finished his supper and sipped a long awaited cold beer. I felt sorry for Dave, who was beginning to perspire,  and almost offered him a cold drink, but then I thought that if he was thirsty he might finish quickly and leave so I could get back to my supper.

Dave pulled up a chair in front of me and prepared to begin his demonstration. Max appeared from nowhere, rushed up to Dave in greeting, opened his enormous mouth, and threw up the most disgusting and surprisingly large pile of masticated bone, gristle, marrow and slime I have ever seen, on the carpet, about one foot away from Dave's satchel.  It is difficult to intimidate Max. He is just so big he does not fear anything or anyone.  But, after he finished throwing up and just as he was about to slurp up the disgusting mess, he glanced at my face. He forgot about eating his sick and began to run for the back door. As I chased him down the hall to the door, he threw up again.

Dave did not leave. By the time I had returned to the living room with my cleaning equipment, Dave had moved into the dining room and was discussing ranching, investing, and life in general with the lonely potter. The lonely potter, relaxed after consuming most of his supper and beer, seemed to be enjoying the discussion, so I left them at it while I spent the next 10 minutes with a dust pan, a carpet cleaning machine, and various rags and cleaning potions. Once the evidence of the interruption had been cleaned and covered with towels, Dave resumed his seat in the living room and the lonely potter joined us for the demonstration.

There is no doubt that the Vortech vacuum cleaner is a very powerful machine, and probably would give years of satisfaction. There is also no doubt that the hose and wand of our 10 year old Hoover are wrecked beyond repair and I can't find replacement parts, and I had lately been having problems with the cord shorting out. The Hoover, however, is paid for and still has great suction. One could say that the Hoover really sucks. But the Vortech, we finally forced Dave to admit, cost over $2600.00. That kind of money would go a long way towards replacing the ruined wall to wall carpet with some indestructible flooring. As I listened to the lonely potter agreeing with Dave that it really wasn't too much to pay for such a great machine, I wondered what on earth they had been talking about while I cleaned up dog puke. Suddenly I believed Dave's boast that he makes a sale at 8 out of every 10 homes he visits. The guy is an incredible salesman.

Fortunately, I was hot enough, tired enough, mad enough, and mean enough to just say, "We Can't Afford It", leaving no room for discussion. Just as I said these words, Sparky started barking again, and there was our neighbor driving in the driveway with a load of hay, fresh from the hay field. I rushed out to see what he wanted,  leaving the lonely potter to help Dave put all his various bits of equipment and papers away, and to accept delivery of  the "gift" of knives. As far as I was concerned, our obligation was fulfilled, and unless Dave was going to offer to vacuum the house, the visit was over.

I noticed was that our neighbor looked really hot, so I ran back to the house to get him a cold beer. As I was going in, Dave was going out. By the time I got back with the beer, he was peeling out of the driveway, something he had probably wanted to do an hour before. I don't think we'll be seeing Dave again any time soon.

The evening wasn't a total disaster. Our neighbour was offering some decent hay at a decent price, so we did spend a little money, but not $2600.00. The lonely potter, who hardly does any socializing, had two good visits in one day, and an excuse to drink two beers on a hot day. The dogs had all the excitement they could handle. The horses got some new hay. Dave learned, something, I am sure. And we got some knives. Bonus.


I forgave Max, and he slept the sleep of the innocent, while I slept the sleep of the exhausted.  The next day, the lonely potter fixed the cord on the Hoover, so it didn't short out any more. I re wrapped the hose and the wand with fresh duct tape. Good as new.

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